Amber.Day’s blog

Simply because I'm bored, and kind of pissed off :]

1. I love chow mein from Panda Express.
2. I am bi-sexual.
3. I want to own a turtle, and i want to name him Chomper :]
4. My favorite type of dog is a german shepard.
5. Im not as smart as you probably think I am.
6. My favorite movie is Walk the Line
7. I have a dog, his name is Oreo.
8. When i'm sick, i loose 4 pounds every time, secretly I love being sick
9. I love being home alone to think.
10. While I'm at work, I think about the most random things.
11. Sometimes, when she holds me, I think she thinks of someone else.
12. I cant believe I have given her my heart.. im preparing it to break.. but for some reason, i cant put up a wall.
13. Sometimes when Im in the car and I have sunglasses on, i cry.
14. When i take longer than a 10 minute shower, i'm crying.
15. I cry a lot.
16. Kylie Sandberg is my best friend at Canyon Springs High School, i wouldnt trade her for the world.
17. Kylie doesnt know she is my best friend.
18. I'll never tell her.
19. because once I do, I'll push her away, and i dont want that.
20. I say the word commercial funny :] ask me to say it one day.
21. I love Hilary Duff's voice
22. I walk in the rain, with my ipod.
23. I will be attending CSN next year, its too expensive to go anywhere else, yes, i'll be bored.
24. I'm a lifeguard at Mandalay Bay :D
25. I love my job, you can think all day long.
26. I can't wait to move out.
27. My parents and I can argue with out saying a word to each other.
28. I miss my friend, Miguel.
29. I I dont think I will miss softball.
30. My favorite number is 3.
31. I wont ever tell my deepest secret.
32. Im not afraid anymore.
33. I'm not the same girl i was when 10

I hate that you have icolated yourself beyond repair because even when i realize that you dont care about me, i realize at the same time that you just dont care about anything. I'm tired of asking for you just to take part in my life, its not hard to be there for your own daughter, i mean YOU did give birth to me, before you got married OR before you had Austin.. As much as i say i dislike you and I REFUSE to tell you ILOVEYOU, becuase i truely believe you have broke my heart more than anyone in the entire world. I HATE that you are too busy to pick me or take me to school, and its YOURS AND DADS fault that my car broke down! I didnt do anything wrong! its an old car and I KNOW you believe its my fault.

ugh. i wish i had a mom that cared, why do parents suck? I haven't done anything wrong! >:\ I want to come first, for the first time in my life, im not asking. I'm telling you, I want to come first. I dont want to come second to Austin, or third to dad and Austin, or fourth, even after thee dog! You treat Oreo better than you treat me. Im tired of being second best to everyone. I worked my ass off for my grades and all i got was, oh wow, you still failed an exam! yes mom i did, and you know what i didnt cheat like half of the senior class did, i did my own damn work! >:\ ugh ugh ugh. I am realizing that after all this time of telling myself i dont care about how you treat me, i really do care, and I want you to miss me when i move out, I PRAY that you cry EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!

Dear Amerissa,

I know you still care deep down, just do me a favor,
Do no break my heart, i have given my heart to you,
You hold the power to completly destroy me, and I have
Only given that power to one other person in this world and i was destroyed.
I'm so proud of you, and your team, CONGRATS on winning.
I cant wait until you get home and I get a biiiiig hug,
I just hope my dreams don't come true, im begging for them not too.
I dont mind if you say this is my last chance to prove im not like the rest..
and yes i have had my share of fuck-ups.. but when you think about it,
maybe just maybe, love really does conqure all?
I have stopped fucking up, i dont want anyone but you..
I am in love... :/ and im scared to get hurt be im letting that go, and letting you closer and closer.
You have hopped my walls and slowly told me everything will be okay,
I let you hold me when i cried, I let you watch me sleep and i let myself fall in love.. for some reason,
I think your the one that wont hurt me, so please, please..
dont break my heart.

Dear DAD,

 where the hell did you go through my life? You slowly disappered. suprise, you find out my secret and all of a sudden its like you never knew me, well you know what maybe you never have known me for me, but i thought you wouldnt leave me here for my tears to fall and no one is catching them, you have always been my rock and for the first time in my life, you aren't here to fix everything to reasure me about all of my decisions. I did better on my report card, and its like you are ignoring me completly and just hoping that its a 'phase' and you dont realize that oooh, its okay i didn't fuck up as a father, well dad, you didnt, and its not a phase. i like girls and boys, and for the first time in my life, im realizing that i do miss you, not only as my father, but as a friend. I dont know what i want, so dont ask me, becuase im still figuring it all out.</3,

<3

AmberDay

ILOVEYOU.

more than anything in the whoooooooole world. :]

i win.

***its my birthday, i gotta win. :]

On my way to AnnaMarie's house on Friday night was interesting with my mom, we never talk about anything deep, and all of a suddent the conversation went from happy to the frustrating looks and disappointment talks.. I do not know how long she has been waiting to bring it up or anything but, i know that it hurt when she was saying what she said so i took out a pen and paper on the way to Barstow, and simply began writing and i did not stop i wrote everything from beinging to end that was going on in my mind, i do not know where to start; but i shall start with my mothers 'lecture'

"Amber, what is so wrong with letting people in and trusting someone so that they know everything about you, once someone gets too close you run, and then start to push them away, it's not your fault that you have been hurt to many different times. The world is not out to get you, its simply the people you choose, that have a way with life."

Of course i start to think, and tear up, i dont know why but, when my mom says such things it really hits hard, maybe because my mom has never been the one to tell me, so bluntly that i am a bad person..

"It's not that i run, its that i just do not care anymore.Once someone gets close and knows the basics, i just slowly distance myself to see if they will chase, its not that i do not want them in my life, its that i want to know what exactly i mean to them, its not that im scared, its that i simply want to know exactly how much i mean to them, if they chase then maybe they are worth something, but you'll never really know unless they stick around, its not that im scared i just want to know how important i am to others."

You know that look that everyone's mom has, that look of, "ugh, what to say?" Well, i got that look but a look of uncertainty "how do you say something to that?" I've learned to help my mom through these talks..

"Mom, i have been through so much already, I do not think anything could get worse, I am all for the better of things, but honestly, mom what have i not gone through?"

She looks at me and realizes that i am right, that at almost 18 years old i have been through hell and back and it started when i was eight. its okay. i am okay.

"Amber, i know you're scared to repeat your past.." i look up, with assurance,
"No, mom i have done it before and if i had to, i would do it time and time again."

I want my mom to look at me and see how strong i am, not how weak she thinks i am, my mom thinks that a persons characteristics are how weak they are, how much she can destroy them from the inside out, i want a mom that understands and knows where i am coming from..I want that mom that is your best friend... but i'll never get it. :/

I will keep running, and i wont lose anyone,

lets just see who keeps up.

I love it how every one and their mom wants to talk about fake friends and all this shit;;;
number one: nine times out of ten everyone that has complain about it, has been a fake friend at one time or another,
number two: Most likely someone has held you higher in their life than you hold them.
number three: Nine out of ten of you do not know what passion is.
Im tired of wasting my time on something that i will never understand. I love how all of a sudden I have friends that want to see me and want to hang out with me, I am satisfied with the person I have become, however my mother seems to be the bitch she is and say that I'm "too nice" I'm so tired of not living up to there expectations if you dont do this than this happens and so on. My little brother is my joy, he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he takes my hand and says we will make it through.
So please before you go and talk shit, walk a mile in my shoes, realize that its not what you think, my parents are fake, nine times out of ten what you see is fake, no one can know. its how my family and i have learned to play it out. I have Three right now, i trust with: my life. my heart. my soul. my love.
Amerissa Villamar: The girl i run to with tears rolling down my face and she opens her arms and tells me its going to be okay. The girl that runs to me with tears rolling down her face, and takes her in my open arms, and lets her know that she's strong. The girl that i can talk to all day and all night and never get tired of hearing her ring tone go off. <333 Thank you for all you have done this summer. best friend.
Alexandra Goyen: The one girl I can say knows my every weakness and has not used one against me, except when she knows i am capable of so much more. I love her talks about how she knows i can do everything and anything I want. The girl that has had my back since she said "can i see your phone?" :] MY best friend.
Ryan Ficken: The best guy i have ever met in my entire life. The only boy man never to walk away from me. The only boy man who can finish my sentences. The only boy man i can say has never let me down. The boy man that has made me realize i am stronger than even i think. The only boy man in this world i am capable of loving. My true best friend. My Marine. <3 imissyou. Im waiting for the day I see you again. Through the good and the bad, i'll be by your side :]
My brother doesnt count, but i'd die for that boy. He is my good luck charm. One smile, One wave, One kiss on the cheek, One day he'll be a mini me, and he'll be great<333

lately: im so exhausted i can't see straight, i put my effort into everything i do though.  I am trying to be the best i can be for myself and for my family. Im learning to show them, i can make my own decisions and still succeed. I do not need them, i want a job and i want my own place. ill even bring my brother, Austin. ill take care of us. I just want out. :/ I'm tired of this place they call "home."

fake smiles and pretty make up; hide so much.

<3 amberday.